Sam and Kevin - part 3

I don’t know how many jeans and t-shirts I tried. Strangely, none of them seemed quite appropriate for the occasion. After about couple of hours Arun and I agreed on a blue fit jeans and a light yellow t-shirt. I found a matching blue sport jacket to go with the outfit. A couple of minutes before 6 there was a light knock on the door. Arun answered it. There he was, Kevin the stunning. He was wearing ocean blue jeans, a navy blue t-shirt and an off white jacket.

“This is for you”, he said giving me a nicely wrapped parcel.

“Thank you Kevin. Shall I open it?”

“Go ahead I am sure you’ll like it.”

Oh my God, it was chocolate! He remembered that I loved chocolate. And thank God he didn’t bring me flowers. I thanked him again and gave him a peck on his cheek. I hid the chocolates because if Arun found them, there would be nothing left for me.

Kevin had a red Ford Mustang 2001. I loved the car. We left the top open since it was a nice day. I got into the car before Kevin could open the door for me. Being gentlemanly is very nice. But I am not a girl. He started the car and looked at me as if to ask “Shall we?” I nodded my approval.

“So where exactly are we going?” I asked.

“Its called Ciccone’s. A nice family run restaurant. They use real cheese, homemade pastas and breads, and the soup’s made from scratch.”

“Sounds delicious.”

“Yeah you’ll see.”

It was a nice little restaurant and was almost full. Luckily Kevin had a reservation. We were seated immediately. A server came and handed out the menu and asked what we would like to drink. I asked for coke as I was not allowed alcoholic drinks yet. Kevin asked for same even though he could get anything. It was so sweet of him. The menu looked beautiful, but I didn’t know what to order as I didn’t know much about Italian cuisine. Kevin came to my rescue.

“There are a few things I could suggest. You can have Capellini, also called Angel Hair pasta because it’s a very thin type of pasta. It goes good with Shrimp Scampi, a shrimp dish with garlic butter. There’s also Fettuccine Alfredo which is a fettuccine pasta dish tossed with Parmesan cheese and butter.”


“What are you gonna have?”

“I’ll take the Fettuccine Alfredo”

“Ok then, I’ll have the other one so that we can share. And I’d like brochette for appetizers. ”

The waiter came with our drinks and we placed the order for the food. He said that the main dishes would be ready in 15 minutes and that he would soon return with the appetizers. He left us and we began to talk about ourselves.

“So Sam, tell me about your family and your life in Sri Lanka?”

I told him about my life there and how things had been with me. Then I asked about his life. He was always very reluctant to talk about that. But I wanted to know.

“Well, what should I say…my father died about 10 years ago. My mother threw me out when I told her I am gay. So I haven’t talked to her since.”

“I am sorry”

“Don’t be. It was a long time back and I am completely ok. I have my own business now and I enjoy my work.”

“So tell me Kevin, why is a guy as handsome as you still single?”

“I was saving myself for you.”

“Come on! I am serious”

“So am I. I mean I was saving myself for the right guy. And I believe there is a very good chance that it’s you even though we barely know each other. I am not saying that I didn’t have anyone before. I had. But nothing was more than 6 months. What about you?”

“We don’t have freedom like here in Sri Lanka. I have had sex a couple of times but nothing serious.”

“Cool”

“No its not” I said with a smile.

Our food arrived. Indeed, as Kevin had said, it was awesome. I ate all of mine and some of Kevin’s. The server asked what we would like for desert. I remembered the desert analogy of Arun and couldn’t stop laughing. Both Kevin and the server looked at me with the “what’s so funny” look. Kevin ordered cannoli for desert. It’s a Sicilian desert which looks like a tube. Kevin told me that the meaning of word cannoli is “the tube”. It was as awesome as the food. Kevin picked up the tab. I didn’t say anything as instructed by my gang. They had said since he asked me out he should pay for it.

“So Sam are you up for a movie?”

“I am up for anything.”

“In that case I say we skip the movie.”

“I mean I am up for any movie.”

“Liar”, Kevin playfully hit my shoulder.

“So Sam seriously, movie ?”

“Yeah cool. What are we watching?”

“There is a new movie called ‘A Beautiful Mind’ staring Russell Crowe.”

“Ok by me”

It was a very nice movie. We both enjoyed it. I am not sure what I enjoyed most, the movie or Kevin’s arm around my shoulder. By the time the movie finished my heart was beating very fast. What next? The night was still young. I didn’t want this night to end.

“So Sam what do you want to do now?”

“This is your date as well as mine, you know. You don’t have to do everything I want. Tell me what would you like to do?”

“Hmmm beach?” Kevin asked with hopeful voice.

“Alright then, beach it is.”

It was about 30 minutes drive to the beach. We got out of the car, got rid of our jackets and shoes. We walked along the beach for about 20 minutes. We were holding hands. No one spoke anything. We were just enjoying each other’s presence around. We walked back to the car.

“Sammie, my apartment is just 10 minutes walk from here. You want to come for a coffee or something?”

Oh God what should I say? Accept or reject? If I reject will he think I don’t like him? If I accept will he think I am a slut who has sex on a first date? What should I do?

A Gay Tragedy

this is the republishing of an article written by venarable shrawasthi Dhammika thero with his kind permission. sinhala translation of this post can be found here.


Occasionally someone, usually a young man but sometimes a young women or an older man or women, will approach me and after a few minuets of hesitation or beating around the bush, ask me what the Buddhist position on homosexuality is. When they do I tell then that intentional actions (kamma) modify consciousness and that our kamma conditions our future. Positive intentional acts have positive effects (vipaka) and negative intentional acts have a negative effect. Sexual acts motivated by the usual intentions, feelings and emotions which exist between two people who love each other, would have a positive effect and would not infringe the third Precept, whether they be homosexual or heterosexual. I underline this point by saying that Buddhist ethics about sex are primarily concerned with the motives behind out sexual behavior, rather than the gender of our partner. This being so, if two people of the same gender express their love for each other physically there is no good reason why the kamma this creates should be any different from when two people of the opposite gender do the same. Having said this I then try to change the subject, not because I am embarrassed talking about homosexuality, but because I do not like the ‘single issue’ approach to Dhamma. However, a few years ago I had an encounter which made me realize that inquiries about homosexuality, whether from gays themselves or their families, should be given my whole attention. However theoretical or marginal this issue may be to me it is likely to be of considerable import to the people who ask such questions.

A young man named Julian rung me asking if he could come and talk to me about Buddhism. I said he could and on the appointed day and time he came. Julian turned out to be about 20 old, of slight build and with pleasant features. He was well groomed and neatly dressed. He started by asking me a few questions about some aspects of Buddhism but I sensed that these were not really what he was interested in. Finally the question came, “Venerable, can a gay person be a good Buddhist?” I gave my usual reply but it soon became clear that this did not please him. He kept interjecting and expressing doubts about what I said. I answered all his objections but he remained unconvinced. Arriving at a deadlock and not knowing what more I could say I asked him if he was gay. He blushed, cleared his throat and said that he was. Then he told me his story. Since his early teens he noticed that he was attracted to other boys and had a particular interest in woman’s clothes. Horrified by these feelings he kept them well under control. A year ago while doing his national service he had met another soldier who was gay and since that time they had been having a relationship, although a guilt-filled and fugitive one. Once or twice a month they would pool their recourses and book a hotel for the night. He would dress in woman’s clothes, put on makeup and they would spend the night together. For Julian at least, this would be followed by days of self-loathing and resolutions never to do it again. After he had finished telling me this he hung his head and said, “This must be wrong.” “Well,” I said, “some people would find it a bit strange. But from a Buddhist perspective I really can’t see that it is particularly harmful. Satisfying sexual urges is a perfectly natural thing to do and it is acceptable where it does not involve adultery or harming others. The conflict you create within yourself by hating what are completely harmless feelings hurts you much more than being gay ever could. There is no reason why you can’t practice the Precepts – respecting the life, the prosperity and the sexual feelings of others, their right to know the truth and keeping your mind free from intoxicants – while being gay.” He was silent but I could see that I had not been able to still his doubts. Julian visited me two more time over the next two month and our conversations were about the Dhamma in general although we also went over the same territory concerning homosexuality with very much the same results.

Then, after not having seen or heard from Julian for nearly six month I got a call from him. He told me that a famous Taiwanese monk was in town giving a series of talks and that he had managed to get a few minuets with him. He had asked the monk the same question he had asked me and the monk had told him that homosexuality was a filthy, evil thing and that homosexuals get reborn in the lowest hell where they are boiled in excrement for eons. Julian said this with in an almost triumphant tone, seemingly glad that he had proved me wrong or that he had found someone who agreed with him. I asked him what else this venerable monk had said. “Nothing,” he replied. “He was going somewhere and only had a few minuets to talk.”

How often has this happened to me? I have told an inquirer something about Buddhism which I know to be sound, sensible and in accordance with the Tipitaka, they go to another monk who tells them the exact opposite and then they come back to me asking me to explain the anomaly. Then I am stuck with the problem of either saying that the other monk doesn’t know what he is talking about (which is often the case) and appearing to be an arrogant upstart, or biting my lip, saying nothing and letting the person go away with yet another half-baked notion or superstition thinking that it is Dhamma. How often? Very often! In most cases this is just frustrating. In this case it had tragic consequences.

“Look Julian” I said, “You asked me what Buddhism would say about homosexuality and I told you based on my 20 years of studying the Buddhist scriptures and thinking about various issues in the light of the Buddha’s Dhamma. I don’t know what else I can say.” I told him that if he wanted to talk with me at any time he was welcome to do so and then we hung up.

Four days later I was browsing through the paper and a small article tucked away on the eighth page caught my eye. The heading read ‘Man’s Body Found in Park.’ I scanned the article briefly and was about to turn to something else when the name Julian sprung out at me. In an instant my attention was riveted. I read the part where this name appeared and sure enough it was about the Julian who had come to see me. I returned to the top of the article and read it all the way through. Four days earlier, perhaps only a few hours after ringing me, Julian had gone to a park in the centre of Singapore late at night, taken an overdose of sleeping tablets and been found dead the next morning. A suicide note had been found in his pocket but the article did mention what it said. I was overwhelmed by sorrow. The thought of him lying there utterly alone, hating himself and in such despair that he would kill himself almost made me cry. But soon anger was welling up through the sadness and diluting it until it had completely replaced the sadness. I pictured the Taiwanese monk blithely dispensing his ignorant and ultimately toxic opinion before rushing off to give a sermon about compassion or receive the accolade of the crowd. I became so angry that I resolved to write him a letter and tell him what he had been responsible for. Then I thought it would probably be a waste of time. He probably wouldn’t even remember talking to Julian.

It seems to me that most thoughtful people would agree that sex without love is a pretty unattractive thing. Physically, it is little more than ‘exchanging fluids’ as the AIDS awareness literature so delicately puts it. What lifts sex above the fluids exchange level is the motives and emotions behind it – affection, tenderness, the desire to give and receive, the bonds of companionship, fun even. This fits well into the Buddha’s famous statement, “I say that intention is kamma.” Is sticking a knife into someone a positive or a negative action? It depends! If the knife was held by an enraged violent person it would probably be negative. If it is held by a surgeon performing an operation to save someone’s life it would certainly be positive. From the Buddhist perspective, sexual behavior is not judged primarily by the gender of the people involved, by the dictates of a code of behavior drawn up in the Bronze Age or by whether a legal document has been signed, but by its psychological components. Homosexuals are as capable of wanting and of feeling love and affection towards their partners as heterosexuals are and where such states are present homosexual sex is as acceptable as heterosexual sex.

This is a simple and logical truth and it is in accordance with Buddhist teachings but circumstances were such that I was unable to help Julian see it. All his experience had told him that being attracted to people of the same gender is wrong. Those around him had always expressed disapproval towards homosexuality and sniggered at gays. The law (in Singapore) told him that homosexuality is so heinous that it must be punished by 10 years imprisonment, more than for manslaughter. He knew that religious teachers, Christian, Muslim and even some Buddhists, consider it so evil that it will have dreadful consequences in the life hereafter. All this denigration and ignorance prevented him from hearing the gentle, reasonable and kindly words of the Buddha. It caused him inestimable suffering and finally drove him to suicide.
I am reminded of Julian because three weeks ago I represented Buddhism in a seminar on religion and homosexuality at Catholic Junior Collage (Boy! Haven’t Catholic collages changed!). Of the 800 students in the audience I assumed that a certain number would probably be homosexual and may be struggling to understand their feelings. Knowing that what I said may well have something to do with them growing up either happy and well-adjusted or tortured and self-loathing, I did took great care to explain the Buddhist position on homosexuality.