Secret Love

Reading gay stories online is something I do when I have free time. There was a story I like called “Finding Tim” that had a nice song in it. The song is from a 1951 musical, The King and I. it was reproduced many times over the time and was made a film as well. The song illustrates the hidden love between a wife of the Thai king and her secret lover. When I read it, that hit a lot closer to home.

We kiss in a shadow,
We hide from the moon,
Our meetings are few,
And over too soon.
We speak in a whisper,
Afraid to be heard;
When people are near,
We speak not a word.
Alone in our secret,
Together we sigh,

For one smiling day to be free

To kiss in the sunlight
And say to the sky:
"Behold and believe what you see!
Behold how my lover loves me!"

We gay couples have to live like them. We suffer the same way they did. We are afraid to be heard, together we sigh. We all wait for the day that we can kiss in the sunlight and proudly say;

"Behold and believe what you see! Behold how my lover loves me!"

Monogamy, Polygamy (Part 2) According to my Boyfriend

Within the animal kingdom, of which humans are part, with few exceptions, polygamy is the norm with monogamy being the exception. Indeed it could be argued that from a biological reproduction and evolutionary perspective. Monogamy is completely unnatural as articulated in “The Selfish Gene” a book on evolution by Richard Dawkins, published in 1976. It builds upon the principal theory of George C. Williams's first book “Adaptation and Natural Selection”.

However the selfish gene argument only holds true to heterosexual activity and cannot be applied to homosexual activity, for without heterosexual activity there would be no gene pool and hence, the elimination of a species and from the perspective of biological reproduction homosexual activity itself is unnatural. This “biologically unnatural” argument is often put forward by those who oppose homosexuality.

We have to consider that the concept of monogamy is a relatively modern concept and that its existence is a social construct and should be considered to be culturally, socially, geographical, time and possibly politically specific.

Monogamy was originally reserved as the preserve of north western Christian Europe and North America and was spread throughout the globe through various colonial powers via the process of socialisation, or perhaps assimilation. Further it could be argued that the shift from polygamous to monogamous relationships was a means through which the colonial powers brought about social control and instilled a new social order that was conducive to the colonial powers exercising and maintaining overall control and instilling a new order of social and sexual deviance.

By and large the current prevalence and existence of societies and cultures which still practice and condone polygamy are those that have never undergone colonisation by Christian powers, where Christianity is not the main religion or where it adhered to superficially. Examples of cultures and societies which still practice polygamy are those of the Arab and Muslim worlds and north Saharan Africa. Consider that within the Koran a man may take more than one wife, and within the Masi Mara tribes of Kenya and Tanzania a cohort may share in their husbands and wives in the short term absence of those they are married to.

Essentially it is argued that monogamy is:
• Unnatural
• A tool of colonialism to bring about a new social order
• Restricted to Christian cultures or those that have been colonised by Christian powers
• Time, culturally and geographically specific

3 years, 1095 days

Today 12th of November 2009 marks the 3rd year milestone of my relationship. It’s the longest affair I had so far. It’s the longest thing I’ve continuously done so far when I come to think of it. My father says that I can’t do anything longer than 1 month, which is not entirely wrong.

I told him that 3 years for a gay relationship is a lot. He says that 3 years for any relationship is a lot. May be he is right. 3 years means a lot. Just for fun I calculated how many days there for 3 years. Its 1095 days. Suddenly feels like it’s not a lot. It’s strange, 1095 days and 3 years are same but feel different.

Ahhh well who cares, 3 years or 1095 days…… the point is I loved only one guy all that time. That’s a big thing. Isn’t it?

Monogamy or Polygamy?

One of the major reasons that non gay population hates us is because we fags have been stereotyped as polygamous, which most of the time is correct. It is not to say that every homo is polygamous, but most of them are. That’s one of the things I like about it.

A monogamous relationship is very difficult to maintain regardless of its type; hetro or homo. Imagine your food. If you have to eat same thing every day, how will you feel? You will hate it. Regardless how tasty it is or how much you like it, if you have to eat it every day with no change you will hate it. Sex is no different than food. We consume both to fulfill a basic need.

The main food of Sri Lankans is rice. Sometimes I have had rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Most of the time I am having rice for both lunch and dinner. A meal of rice always includes couple of curries. There are much different kinds of curries to go with. Hence it never feels the same. Similarly sex can be boring without some spicy curries to go with.

The roots of monogamy are jealousy and possessiveness. No one can honestly say it has the love part in it. Love for yourself may be but never the love for your partner. Possessiveness and jealousy are very primitive emotions; they have its root back up to the Stone Age where woman considered to be a “thing” that man owns. When you come to think of it; it hasn’t changed much even after thousands of years. The dominating person in a relationship still wants to posses the partner. Possessiveness leads to jealousy which is kind of ok because sometimes it’s hot thinking of your partner being jalousie of you looking at others and so. However it also can leads to domestic violence, which is according to law, wrong if you are straight and “they deserve it” if you are gay.

More of this topic later another day. If you are monogamous, good for you. If you are not monogamous, great can I have your number?

My other half. Black or white?

There are different categories of guys. There are Caucasian, black, Indian, Asian, and Latino. My categorization is not complete and 100% accurate, however for the moment let’s assume it is. If I want to put myself in to one of those categories I will put myself in Indian category. As much as I hate to be called an Indian, I have no choice because when you say Asian mostly it means south East Asians and Chinese.

I m a Sri Lankan who is sexually more attracted to white men. Not that I say no to local guys but if I was given the choice I would choose a white guy over a local. Many Caucasian gay guys have the preference for black, Latino, Indian or Asians. The percentage of inter racial attraction is large enough for a social scientists to research on it. I am not a social scientist but this got me thinking. Is there a social or mental reason for this?

The simplest explanation is that opposite attracts. As simple as it may sounds, opposite can have many definitions. The main oppositeness in a hetro relationship, which doesn’t exist in a homo relationship is the gender. It’s the ultimate opposite. But a gay relationship gender is something they have in common. Having things in common might help to sustain a relationship, but still oppositeness is necessary for the attraction.

A thought flashed in to my mind. Are we trying to fill a gap by choosing a partner from another race? Are we trying to acquire the otherness by widening the oppositeness of our partners? Are we trying to be as close as possible to hetro couples?

I have given one possible explanation for the inter-racial attraction in the knowledge of my wide sweeping generalization. There are many guys who have other reasons for the attraction. For some people it can be as simple as just a preference like the preference of blondes or blue eyes.

Whatever the reason of Caucasians’ preference for Asian, I am happy for it. It got my man attracted to me and me to him, and end of the day that’s all it matters to me.

Do you have a place ?

I used to chat a lot with guys online. There is a very popular chat room where you can pick gay guys. It isn’t a gay chat room by any means but, it is mostly ruled by gay guys. Or rather guys looking for sex. The first question you will get after the “Hi” or most of the time even before that you will be asked your “ASL”. It stands for the Age, Sex and Location. Once you sort that out, next come the million dollar question.

Do you have a place? Why is it so important?

Sri Lanka being a former colony of England, have inherited the sodomy law from British. The Sri Lankan legal system makes it extremely difficult for us fags and dykes to live openly. The Penal Code based on 19th century British law, states that homosexual sexual activity is a crime. Up till 1995, the subject of this law was only men. However, the 1995 amendment to the Penal Code made it ‘gender-neutral' and now the Penal Code criminalizes both male and female homosexual sexual activity. So we welcomed our sisters legally and officially to the hell in 1995.

In a western country, I am sure the fact that decides if you can get a guy is either your good looks or money. Here in Sri Lanka while those facts matters a great deal, having a place will raise your chances significantly; a safe place where you can have something discreetly. What’s the point of having a six pack and an 8 inch censored if you don’t have a place where you can’t show them off.

As I am still living with parents, I guess I’ll have to choose a guy with a belly and an 5 inches censored over a guy with a six pack and an 8 inch censored, having a place being the deciding fact.

I so want to move out…………

The quest for the Mr. Right.....

Most of guys have this dream of a Mr. Right which is perfect for him. He is handsome. Intelligent, rich and blaa blaa blaa. In many dating profiles I have seen guys say that they are looking for Mr. Right or playing around until he comes along. But the question is, what is the probability of us finding him? How many have found him?

Many guys who are in a relationship will say that they found him although it might not entirely true. Some don't have any other choice than saying they found Mr. Right or they might risk the relationship. However there are some guys who can honestly say they have found Mr. Right including myself.

Here’s the question... is Mr. Right is completely right?

Can a guy be perfect? Can he be the perfect match for me ? 100 %?

If there is anyone who can answer this question with a "Yes" please contact me. Because I haven't found anyone like that so far. I can’t guarantee that my Mr. Right is perfect, but I am not perfect with a long shot either. No one is.

Guys like me who honestly claim that they found Mr. Right have not really found the Mr. Right. It’s rather they have adjust or gave up something or may be lowered the standards to accommodate the one they think is Mr. Right.

Given that thought, the chance of finding the Mr. Right highly determined of our ability of adjusting to mismatches and unexpected. The more we can adjust more easy to find Mr. Right. However this is a bi-directional link. I can’t be the only one who is sacrificing. He should be able to do the same although it shouldn’t start fight. It’s not like "I-gave-up-one-now-you-give-up-one" theory. How, when, who, how much to adjust and scarifies will depend on the time, place and situation.

The fact I being an Asian and my man European has created many differences between us. Culturally we are complete opposite to each other. While he doesn't hold his emotion even in public, we Asians try to hide it in public to save our good face from the society. Culture, religion, or politics, there is nothing we agree on completely. Often the discussions on them will get quite heated. But being the smart and intelligent man he is, indirectly he is teaching me lot of things I don't know together with the heated discussions. As much as I don’t want to accept it, he always wins.
I am a person who never accepts defeat even if I realize I am wrong. One thing I can’t bare is being defeated. With my man I always accept defeat, sooner or later. That’s one of the things I have given up to make my man the Mr. Right. I have given up being the one always right. It might not be a big deal to some people or some might take it as a joke but for me, its hell of a thing to give up.
Think about that while being in the quest of the Mr. Right.